yet another day

I know i may come off as depressing or infact depressed my self. The truth is I am just tired and feeling like I am litterally loosing my sanity. I honestly feel like I am raising my children alone. I have always felt so alone. I really do feel like I am fighting everyone and the world. I do wonder if I am being punished for something I just wish I knew what it was. I am a really good hard worker but yet cant seem to keep a job. NO matter what I do I cant keep anyone happy. My husband who I had assumed married me or even asked me to marry him because he loved me. Has infact never shown it. Since the kids have been born he is hardly ever home. and he never shows he actually wants to be with us. however I probly would have left alone time ago but my biggest problem is that I am not happy. The kids Love him and are very happy children who probly are spoiled rotten. and I love that I can give them the things I never had growing up. Isnt that every one's wish for thier children. and I never wanted to be like my mother. boyfriend after boyfriend, and when she finally did get married again it was to a man whom we hated and till this day makes me feel like i am not welcome. I never wanted that for my kids. My husband just works alot and comes home to sleep thats about it. he says he loves us and I mean alot to him but yet at the same time he does not answer his phone if I call him and when he tells me he will be home early from work its not till 7 pm. Thats his version of early. He leaves every morning for work before 6am. and he usually does not get home till the kids are fast asleep and I am heading to bed myself. The reason I have been so depressed is not just because of my husband but ppl around me. My Mother does not make an effort with me in anyway. I do everything. I go to visit her, When she makes plans I have to make arrangements around her schedule. Like today for instance, she told me last week that she was planning to come visit us (I live in a different city than her) and that we would take the kids to the water park. She even told my kids this. They do not see her that often so they were very excited and I even booked the day off of work for this. It is almost 6pm and she still has not shown up. I have tried to call her on her cell and was informed that she was in Buffalo. SO I booked a day off work for nothing. The kids have been waiting all day to see her and now her excuse will be that it is to late to even visit. I have told her that I dont understand Why my nephew seems to be a high priority to her (she plans everything with him) and my kids are like nothing. She had replied with I am glad you vented you need to vent once in awhile. well that solved the problem (lol) sarcasm. I am a very blunt sarcastic person and ppl dont always know how to take it. all I have ever wanted was to be loved, accepted and desired. Even with all the boyfriends, fiance's I have ever had(before i got married) and even with all the ppl who ever claimed to love me I have never felt loved, wanted or with someone. I have still always felt so alone.

ok well I am new to this whole blogging thing. but i guess I should start off by saying a little about myself isnt that how it all starts lol... I have been married for which seems like forever but it has only been 9 years. Which i guess in alot of cases is along time. I have three children which we would all love to say are the best in the world but lets face it thier not but they are mine and I love them very much. They are everything to me. In fact I guess you can say my whole life is about them and them alone. I think that maybe I started this blog because I needed someone or something to express things to. My husband sure is not that person. He for one does not understand anything I say or he says there is no reason to get upset about things you cant change them or you cant change ppl. So currently my husband is one of my fustrations lol. I have a lot right now and would love to vent unfortunatly I have been told no one is listening. There are lots of positive things in my life as well its not all bad so I guess there is not alot to complain about however my spelling is not one of them lol.. I am hopeing that this is something i could keep up since writing things on paper doesnt seem to stick or i do not keep up with a journal or things mysteriously disapeer maybe the fairies take them lol.. I'm guessing not though.